After years of extensive research and months of statistical analysis, I was able to develop the quintessential list of blogger archetypes. This list contains every conceivable type of blogger in existence. If you read this list and you don’t find your blogger type, then you probably don’t know yourself very well or don’t know how to read. Regardless, feel free to enlighten us with your supposed blogger type in the comments. Although you will just be laughed at and ridiculed by everyone who reads it.
You read content from other blogs, chew it up and then spit it out in your own words, pretending as if you actually had an original thought.
If you could have sexual relations with your camera phone, you would. In the meantime, you report on anything that beeps, boops and runs on batteries.
You like Twitter, and any other service that let’s people know every boring and pathetic moment of your life. Oh, and you attract voyeurs who are more boring and pathetic than yourself.
Similar to the Regurgitating Blogger, you collect everyone else’s ideas, images, tools, links, apps, etc… and then post ridiculously long blog entries that showcase way too much of something people didn’t even know they cared about. Yet, from the sheer volume of information, everyone feels compelled to bookmark it on del.icio.us anyway.
You have entirely too much time on your hands and you do an insane amount of research on things that people have long forgotten about — and will soon forget about again.
Ever since you got Dugg for that top ten list for the Greatest Barbie Outfits for Full Grown Men, you’ve been dishing out top ten lists everyday on Digg trying to relive your glory. Unfortunately, everybody hates you now and nobody will Digg your stories, not even your mother.
You’re so obsessed with your family that you even post blurry, head-cut-off pictures of your darling children. You post so much information about your family, your wife’s identity has been stolen twice. Oh, and your kid is ugly. No, I mean it. That thing is really ugly.
Religious Zealot Blogger
You can’t finish a sentence or paragraph without taking some snippet of scripture out of context. You hope that your daily ramblings of incoherent and illogically placed thoughts will convert new believers, but at the end of the day, not even your pastor knows what you’re talking about.
You’ve got spunk and great ideas on how to change the world, but seriously, nobody cares what you think you bag of hot air. You slave over ten page commentaries that will be read, but only by the choir you sing with.
The Corporate Lawyer-Filtered Not Really News Blogger
I mean seriously, what’s the point?
Now that you have your Google PageRank 5 — for reasons unknown — you’re going to town on Text-Link-Ads, Pay Per Post and ReviewMe. You are the slut of the Internet. You will post an entry or link on just about anything — if the price is right.
The Journalist Posing As A Blogger Blogger
Chronicling My Flesh Eating Disease Blogger
You have some kind of illness and you post entries with pictures about every little scab, abscess, pustule, wart, and boil that happens to your body. You sick bastard, show me more!
One Post Blogger
Your friend kept bugging you about starting a blog. He told you it was all the rage. You posted one entry and soon realized that blogging sucks.
Like Totally, I’m A Teenage Girl Blogger
You don’t actually have a blog. Instead, you live on that crappy MySpace site and text message to your girlfriends about how your life is going to end, because your hair got cut too short.
You’re in great shape and you have to tell everyone about how beautiful and in shape you are. You don’t actually have a job. Instead you just work out all day and admire your muscles and low body fat. Oh, and your advice to everyone is completely useless for those of us who live in the real world.
Failed Comedian Blogger
You know who you are Mr. Funnypants. You were that airline steward who had to joke throughout your entire preflight safety message on my Southwest Airlines flight from Jacksonville to Nashville today. Nobody thought you were funny and your jokes suck on your blog too.
Please Read My Blog And Validate My Existence Blogger
You check your Google Analytics‘ stats everyday, waiting for someone, anyone to read your blog. But alas, it’s been 5 years of ten posts per day, and not even Google’s index acknowledges your existence.